“It’s the holidays, you know what that means, it means Kat and Elena are going to be starting their shit any minute now and I don’t have time to fuck around. I can’t keep them contained if they take a ride on the crazy train again this year.”
“Colt, dude you have got to get a grip bro, every year it’s the same shit with you. You let these women run you ragged.” He shook his head and went back to work. We were in my home garage working on a bike for one of my kids and I was getting twitchy.
“Shut the fuck up, like they don’t have you hauling shit you fuck.” This morning Kat tried to trap me with the pussy as usual, which meant she wanted something, and since pussy was on the breakfast menu with kids in the house and a baby in the nursery, it had to be big.
I’m not sure as yet why she was sending out her lure, but my powers of deduction says it has something to do with the holidays. Every fucking year it’s the same shit, my house looks like the North Pole upchucked and the grandparents lose their fucking minds along with their decorum.
Fifteen years and these fucks are still at it. Daniel, Drake and Cyrus try to outdo each other in the gift department and Elena turns my house into a bakery with her shit. I made the mistake of having one party at my house and now it’s an every year thing.
“Well, what is it this time? We haven’t even had turkey day yet.”
“Don’t you understand you ass? That’s when it starts. You remember last year? Before the damn turkey had been digested they were planning a shopping trip and somehow I got dragged into that shit.”
“Not for nothing Colt, but I think I prefer their shit to yours. It’s nice to have a little peace and quiet around here without some crazy fuck gunning for us.”
“And whose fault is that? Who was the one that foisted her off on me? I still owe your ass for that one.” He still thought that shit was funny, the way he’d got one over on me when he first introduced me to my wife, the woman of my heart.
“I’m thinking you came out on top on that deal bro, you owe me.”
“What’re you two talking about?” Kat appeared in the doorway at the top of the stairs. If I was in a good mood I would appreciate her beauty after all these years but I knew the little sneak was up to something and I needed all my wits about me.
“Nothing, go back inside it’s cold out here.” Nosy ass. She gave me a look like she’d heard every word before sauntering down the steps. She doesn’t listen for shit.
“Kat it’s cold, you just had a baby back inside.” She pouted but had the good sense to haul her ass back up the stairs.
“I just came to tell you that your parents are here.”
“The fuck they want?”
“What?” The older those two get the worse they become. Daniel was hitting the pipe like he thought it would stave off old age and Elena has taken her nosy shit to a higher level.
Between them, my wife and kids, I am so fucked. Kat and her fucking golden pussy got me into this shit.
“Jared, why is your boy looking at me squinty eyed, what am I supposed to have done this time?”
He laughed and pretended an interest in what he was doing. The fuck still thinks it’s hilarious the way she runs circles around me. But this year I plan to put a stop to her shit. My life is paradise: I have a beautiful wife, six- count them-six amazing kids, and a business that’s been growing every year.
The only fly in my ointment, are these very same things. My wife is a sneak, her kids, especially her daughters, are doing everything in their power to put me in an early grave and my business has exposed me to some of the dumbest fucks in creation. Now this one and her mother in law are trying to make my ass nuts.
“Katarina, whatever you and your mother in law have planned please leave me the fuck out of it. Tell that old lady I’m not doing shit this year but sitting on my couch and watching the game.”
“You can tell her yourself and while you’re at it you can explain to your kids why their holiday has been spoiled because daddy is a Grinch. Oh look, here’s Catalina now.” She had the nerve to grin before going back in the house; she’d set me up.
The leader of Hitler’s youth came into the garage just then. To see this kid you won’t be blamed for thinking that she’s all that is sweet and wholesome. She looks like everybody’s idea of the perfect little angel, down to the blonde curls that riot around her head, and her mother’s unusually beautiful eyes. But in that chest beats the heart of an old despot.
“Hi daddy, whatcha doing?”
“Nothing kid what can I do for you?” She gave me her signature look, which meant she was about to zing me.
“Oh nothing, grandma’s here and grandpa; guess what?”
Shit, that’s her favorite drive daddy to drink game. “I don’t want to guess why don’t you just tell me?”
“Grandma said that we’re all taking a cruise for Xmas.”
“Ooh daddy you said the bad word.” Her eyes had that light in them that makes me twitchy.
“Sorry baby come here, daddy didn’t mean to say the bad word.” I glared over her head at a grinning Jared, the ass. What the fuck is Elena doing? How the fuck was she expecting the weed head to last on a ship for that long without his stash? All I have to do is get dad on my side and put a monkey wrench in this shit. But first, when it rains it pours in this bitch so I knew there had to be more.
“What else did grandma say?”
“I can’t tell you it’s a secret.” The little thief held out her hand palm up. I’d like to know where the fuck she learned the shakedown. I know you’re not supposed to compare your kids, but this one is nothing like her sister, and she’s worse than the boys.
“Catalina you wanna eat dinner tonight?”
“Of course what kind of question is that daddy?” she gave me her mother’s eye roll ‘daddy’s stupid’ look.
“Well, if you wanna eat and sleep here you’d better tell me what grandma said, now take your hand down.” You have to be firm with this one, trust me; she’s not like any five-year old you’ve ever met in your fucking life.
“Daddy, I don’t think you can do that, daddies and mommies are supposed to feed their kids, it’s the law, teacher said so.”
Teacher has a big fucking mouth.
“Okay then, if you don’t tell me then I’m not getting you that chemistry set you want.”
“So? Santa will get it.”
“She’s got you there bro, better give it up.”
“Why don’t you go on back inside Catalina you’re giving me a headache.”
“Okay daddy but I’m pretty sure you’re gonna wanna know what else grandma said.” She hopped up the steps and turned to smirk at me. Where the fuck did Kat get this kid from?
“Told you some shit was up, now I just gotta wait for the other shoe to drop.” I know my wife and this little act she’s putting on ain’t fooling me worth a damn. We went back to work on the bike for Aiden who was turning into his old man. The twins were like night and day. Quint was most likely going to be like his grandfather, the little fuck was into all things cop.
So while his brother wanted a new or faster bike every other week, he was more into playing investigative games on line or whatever his mother and aunts and uncles came up with to keep him happy.
“Daddy, uncle Jared, dinner’s ready.” My baby came down the steps an hour later.
“Hey Caitie Bear, why are you all dressed up?” my daughter is turning into a beauty, not that she could help it with her mother being who she is, but I sure wish she would take it easy on her old man with this growing up shit.
“Todd’s coming to dinner, grandma said I should invite him.” And just like that my day got worse.
“His father lose all his money in the stock market?”
“Dude!” Jared shook his head at me.
I glared his ass into silence. It seems that when it comes to my kid and this dating shit, everybody has an opinion that differs from mine.
My daughter was looking at me like she thought I was losing it. I’m pretty sure that’s the impression their sneaky ass mother gives them whenever I veto one of her fucked up schemes, like I give a shit.
“Well, why is he coming to dinner?”
“Daddy, be nice, please. Don’t you like my dress?”
“No, I like the way you dressed a few months ago, jeans and tee shirts.” Her face looked like I’d slapped her and I felt the way I do when I know I’ve done something that hurt her mom.
“Don’t look like that princess, come here.” I hugged her and patted her shoulder. Why the fuck did nobody tell me that having daughters and a wife would turn me into a pansy ass? Half the time, I have to watch what the fuck I say. For a man who’s accustomed to just letting it all hang out, that shit is fucking annoying.
I’m not about to lie though, I hate the fucking dress; it makes her look too grown up. I should burn the shits as soon as her mother buys them, or better yet…
“I think the dress looks really pretty Caitlin.” Fucking sellout. His wife has his nuts at home in a lockbox, the fuck. In fact, out of all my guys, I seem to be the only one who kept theirs, though it’s a constant struggle.
Kat thinks I don’t know what the fuck she’s up to. Since there’s no legal castration these days, women have found another way to take a man’s balls. They’re sneaky about it, so you have to be on the alert at all fucking times, or before you know it, you’ll wake up one morning and be a fucking eunuch. Walking around behind her at the mall with her purse in your hand and drool on your fucking chin. Fuck if I’ll end up like that.
“Tell your mom that we’ll be right there as soon as we wash up.” She was not happy with me, I could tell, but she turned and went back up the steps. “I’ma bury that fucking Todd kid in the backyard.”
“Colt, you worry me. She has to grow up bro, she can’t be your little Caitie Bear forever; and I thought you were getting to like Todd? The kid seems solid to me, in fact to everyone else but you.”
“That’s because he’s not sniffing around everyone else’s kid but mine.”
“She could do worse bro, some of these high school kids are fucking nightmares.”
“That’s the problem, if he was a dick I could fuck his shit up and be rid of him like that. But this one is like a fucking mother’s dream or some shit. And no matter what I throw at him he doesn’t fail, what the fuck am I supposed to do with that?”
“You’re supposed to leave them alone you idiot, it’s part of growing up. Don’t you remember being that age?” I was out the garage and up the steps with him laughing and calling me back. “Kat, here, now.” I bellowed every fucking word even though I knew it would get her thong in a twist.
“Colton, what is wrong with you? We have guests in the house.”
“I give a fuck. They don’t like my screaming they can head the fuck out. Listen, about these dresses and shit that you keep buying Caitie, cut it out.” She had the confused look she gets when she’s trying to pretend that my words have gone over her head.
“I don’t get it.”
“Okay plain and simple, the next time you walk into the store to shop for Caitie Bear pick up jeans, no maybe overalls, that might be better.”
“Colt did you fall and hit your head, what’s the matter with you? Come on in here everyone’s heading to the table.” Jared walked by us shaking his head on his way to the bathroom to wash up.
“Just do as I say or nobody’s gonna be wearing shit around here.” I know what the fuck I just said, but they’re making me crazy. I went upstairs to my bathroom and got cleaned up before swinging by the nursery to check on our newest addition.
He is the result of one of Kat’s little schemes. It would serve her ass right if I’d nailed her again this morning with her sneaky shit. Little Cody was asleep so I just ran my hand gently over his head and left the room. Time to go face Elena and her shit.
I was on my way when I ran into the little upstart that was fast becoming the bane of my existence, and my lovely wife, heading into the dining room looking all cozy. “Good evening sir, thanks for inviting me to dinner.”
“Kid I didn’t…”
“COLTON, that’s okay Todd we’re happy to have you.” He went off somewhere, probably to go sniff around my kid. “The fuck are you glaring at, I didn’t invite him, aren’t you always harping about being honest with the kids?”
“That’s not what I meant and you know it Colton Lyon. Now it’s almost time for the holidays and I want you to behave. You’re the one who started the holiday tradition remember, the year Caitie was born? You went all out, we can’t change things now.”
“Kat, I wanted to give my kid a nice holiday, I want to give them all that. But you and Elena have lost your fucking minds every year since, and this year I mean to put a stop to it.” I left her fuming, or more like thinking up new ways to fuck with me, and went in search of the culprit.
She was fixing the table and lying to her grandsons about some shit or the other. That’s another thing I noticed about my parents as grandparents, they lie their asses off about every fucking thing and seem to think that the things they wouldn’t let their own kids do is perfectly okay for my kids to.
“Mom, I wanna talk to you.”
“Oh, hi son, nice of you to join us dinner’s ready, can you go find your father?”
“Where’d you lose him this time?”
“I don’t know, you know how he is.”
“Yeah, probably smoking up my damn basement with his shit.” I caught myself halfway down the steps, her little errand boy. “What the fuck?”