I found the pothead in the basement in a haze of smoke. All I could do was shake my head, because there was really no point in saying, or doing anything. “Your wife’s looking for you.”
“Oh hey Colt, I was just taking a little breather, you know how your mother gets around this time of year.” He rolled his eyes and put out the little end of nothing he had in his hand.
“Yeah, what I’m trying to figure out is why she’s doing that shit here instead of at your house.”
“Son, get real. You kids are all grown and gone, there’s no one there in that big old house but your mother and I. She needs more than that for her holiday fix; besides, do you think I’m stupid? I know she’d run my ass into the ground with her shit, all it takes is a little bug in her ear to get her on the right track and there you have it.”
“What the fuck? Are you saying you’re the one who thought this shit up?”
“Boy, weed is not for running around and shit, I do enough of that at the hospital. A man smokes the good stuff so he can relax and feel good. Your mom has way too much time and energy and it doesn’t seem like she plans on slowing down anytime soon more’s the pity.”
“So, I hit the blunt, tackle her for a little R and R and when she’s nice and pliable, I drop some suggestions in her ear. She runs with it, gets your wife and sisters involved, so the rest of you yahoos have to deal with their shit.”
“Sneaky fuck; I’ma hide your stash.” He grinned because he knew I’d never be able to find all of his hiding places. “Barring that I’ll put you in a fucked up home when the time comes.”
“You poor sap, your wife and mine already discussed that and we’re moving in as soon as the time comes.”
“Moving in where?”
“Here of course, or wherever it is you and Kat end up. Speaking of which, you better be nice to that Todd kid, in a few years this is going to be you, you might end up on his doorstep. Our Caitie seems very fond of him.” The fucker had the nerve to grin at me.
“Got into a bad batch did you?” I left before he made me any more crazy with his shit; his wife could come and get him herself. I have to put an end to this shit whatever the fuck it was they were up to. Enough is enough I can’t let a weed head outsmart me. And what was that crack about them moving in, had Kat lost her damn mind?
“KATARINA LYON.” I don’t think I ever yelled this fucking much in my life until she came along. She and her damn kids have robbed me of every ounce of peace and quiet I ever had, now she wants to sic her in laws on my ass, no fucking way.
“You bellowed your grouchiness?” She sauntered her little ass into the hallway where I was waiting for her out of earshot of the others.
“Cute, did you tell Elena and the pothead they can move in here when the time comes?” her look of guilt was a dead giveaway.
“Colton be serious, you’re the oldest son, it’s your duty to take care of them, and I’m my parents’ only child so we have them as well, and then there’s Cy-Cy…”
“What the fuck?” The little sneak ran her hand soothingly up and down my chest and cooed at me.
“Come on Colt, we have quite a few years before we get to that, let’s just enjoy today hmm. We have a lot of planning to do for the upcoming trip and…”
“Kat, I promise you, if you get me on a ship, half of you won’t make it back.”
“Oh stop it, it won’t be that bad.”
“We’re not going on a cruise for the holidays and that’s final.”
“Well then, what do you suggest?” She was leading me back towards the dining room when Daniel came up the stairs with his clothes stinking of weed. I don’t know how the fuck I’m supposed to keep my kids off the pipe when grandpa is a known druggie. How the fuck does that work?
Everyone but us were already seated, even Drake and Tina were here as well as Cy who was eyeing Todd pretty much the same way I do.
I took my seat but I was not a happy camper. In the last few years Kat have been running circles around my ass and I’ve been letting her, that shit ends now, not my kid.
I don’t know how they do it, but I’m pretty sure her mother and mine have been teaching her every dirty trick in the book. I just have to look at Drake and Daniel to see the end result, though Daniel seems to be just as slick, maybe there was something to staying high all the damn time.
The kids were excited at least, and dinner wasn’t the nightmare I’d expected, until coming onto the end. That’s when Kat and Elena started their shit. Now every year I get flustered and that’s how they win, this year I plan to keep a clear head and stick to my guns.
I listened to them as they threw around ideas. The little one kept smirking at me and that’s how I knew they were up to some fuck and that got me to thinking. “So what do you think Colt, does that sound good, a little change up from the norm?” Uh-huh, her smile was a mile wide let’s see how long that shit lasts.
“Kat we’re not going on a cruise because I’m not buying the tickets.” That was simple enough.
“Kat doesn’t need you to buy her anything son, she has her own company remember?” Fucking Elena.
“Yep, but if I burn that shit to the ground then what?”
“Colton, don’t talk like that in front of the kids, they’ll think you’re serious.”
What the fuck, did she think I wasn’t? “Listen you, I don’t care what tricks you two have up your sleeves, it’s not gonna work this year. It comes to mind that Elena is a Xmas freak, so I don’t see her getting on a ship and going anywhere for the holidays. That means the lot of you are after something else; so you throw me a red herring to catch me out there with what it is that you really want.”
“Since you want to be a damn sneak, we’re doing Xmas my way. It’s too late for me to keep you from fu…I mean mucking up Thanksgiving, because that’s just around the corner, but this year everything will be done the way I want it for Xmas and who don’t like that shit can stay the fu-hell in their own house.” I glared at the pothead who wasn’t looking too cocky now.
“You kids might wanna run along now before you hear something you shouldn’t.” I dismissed the kids before Kat accused me of scarring them for life. Her face looked like a storm cloud, served her ass right. I waited until the kids had cleared the room before turning back to the sneaky ass adults in the family.
“Katarina you know Hitler’s little henchman still believes in Santa and now there’s little Cody who still has years of that shit. If you don’t want me telling your kids that fat fuck don’t exist, you better not mess with me on this shit.”
So what they were all looking at me like I was crazy, that’s the way you have to do it in this house. The women stormed off to the kitchen with the dirty dishes, muttering under their breath. Good, at least I’ll have some peace and quiet until they came up with some fuck else to mess with me about.
“Boy they’re gonna make you pay for that one.”
“Dad, I’m not you, I’m not afraid of Kat or Elena, and Drake. I would thank you to keep your wife out of my shit.”
“I’m not getting involved, every year it’s the same thing with you. You know they’re gonna get their way anyway, why not just let them have it and be done with it? This shit gives me heartburn. I saw all the secret shit and late night phone calls, but I find me a corner and stay the hell out of the way.”
“You need to hit one with me Drake, I’m telling you it fixes whatever ails you. Colton it would do you good to get in on this, you need to mellow out son, you’re cracking up, haven’t I taught you anything? You don’t threaten these women son, it only makes them stronger, and more devious.”
“Whatever, I know come D day Kat’s ass better be in this house and my kids aren’t going anywhere. The rest of you can go run around if you’d like.” I wonder what the fuck they were really up to? I’m gonna have to bribe the little one for info, fuck.